𝐇𝐢𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐈𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐠𝐞

It was when I sought divine clarity about this topic that I gained a deeper insight into what I am writing about.
My initial thought and focus were to treat hierarchy and partnership as either/or phenomena in marriages. However, I am convinced that it is both/and, meaning you cannot have one and discard the other. There is no room to choose between the two, as the two are two sides of a working coin. When one side is bad, it becomes a bad coin, which may alter the legal tender capability of the coin.

In the same manner, when either hierarchy is overemphasized over partnership, the marriage may be heading towards irrecoverable disasters. Similarly, undue consideration of partnership may produce a bent relationship, which may also lead to a free fall, with no clear purpose or leadership. For clarity, leadership in marriage is not intended to be oppressive and authoritarian.

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐡𝐢𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩?

Let us borrow some knowledge from the aviation industry.

In operating an aircraft, the pilot and co-pilot sit in the cockpit to fly the plane to its desired destination.

This is a classic example of hierarchy, where the pilot is the senior and the co-pilot is the next in command. Working together to fly the aircraft is a partnership on display. Imagine a friction between the pilot and the co-pilot in the cockpit, the safety of the travellers would be better imagined than discussed.

Take, for instance, you are flying at high altitudes, and suddenly you begin to hear shouting and loud exchanges between the pilot and the co-pilot, and the plane becomes unsteady and unstable. Unless you are so inhuman or just don’t care, you may begin ‘to confess your sins’ as that may signal an eventual unscheduled meeting with your creator.

On the streets of Lagos, it may not be unusual to hear a shouting jamboree between a Danfo driver and his unruly conductor. Even at that, the passengers are always quick to remind the driver to concentrate on the driving and settle their matters later or park and let them alight.

Whereas the possibility of alighting is feasible with the Danfo commuting, it is not that easy with a plane, where commotions ensue between the pilot and co-pilot.

𝙔𝙚𝙨, 𝙬𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙘𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙡𝙮 𝙨𝙖𝙮 “𝙂𝙤𝙙 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙗𝙞𝙙” 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙗𝙚 𝙛𝙡𝙮𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣 𝙨𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙘𝙧𝙖𝙛𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙖 𝙙𝙖𝙣𝙛𝙤 𝙨𝙘𝙚𝙣𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙤.

Let us imagine further, where a pilot comes out to announce to ‘unwilling’ passengers that “You know, I am the head of this crew, and my words are law and final. You will do yourselves a great deal to listen carefully to all my instructions and follow them, otherwise…”

𝗗𝗶𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗿𝗲 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗯𝗼𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝗲𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 “𝗢𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘄𝗶𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁?”

Also, imagined this scenario happened when airborne.

𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐚 𝐟𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭, 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨?

So, marriage is both about hierarchy and partnership, and if each element is not accorded its rightful place, we can only head to irreparable disaster.

“A man is the head of the family.” A clear hierarchy. Just as the pilot flies the plane, they are the head of the crew.

“I will provide a helpmeet for him.” This is a partnership for a synergic relationship and not a slave to be owned.

𝐀 𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞, 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐜𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐩𝐢𝐞𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐮𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚 𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐬 𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐭. 𝐀𝐧 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐝.

𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐝𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐧 𝐩𝐚𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐚 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧?
Dowry payment is best described as a symbol of commitment and seriousness on the part of the man who comes to marry a well-nurtured woman (coming to pluck a blossoming flower).

Truly, it is also a cultural symbol of sorts. In some climes, it is the woman who pays the dowry.

𝐁𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐬, 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐞, 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐢𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚 𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐩𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐚 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝, 𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥-𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐬, 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝, 𝐚𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐮𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬.

Similarly!

𝗣𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗻𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗼𝗳 𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝘂𝗹𝘁𝗲𝗱, 𝗼𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱. 𝗔 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗻𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽 𝗶𝘀 𝗯𝘂𝗶𝗹𝘁 𝗼𝗻 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻, 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲, 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁, 𝗲𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗵𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗮𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁.

Therefore, it can be said that a healthy combination of hierarchy and partnership is required for a sustainable, successful marriage.

I am not unaware of the extreme positions of patriarchy that favour hierarchy as the birthright of the husbandman, and that of the ‘rebellious’ feminism that believes it is either partnership or nothing. Both of these extremes are wrong in my humble opinion.

Marriage should ideally be a kind of comparative advantage where both parties are in control of what they are best at. Good leadership, therefore, harnesses the strength of the man and the woman to make better decisions together. They cover for other weaknesses and get the best out of every possible situation.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬.

𝐅𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲, 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐝𝐨 𝐰𝐞 𝐚𝐝𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐟𝐭 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐬?

Your thoughts and views are welcome.

©TheVillageBoy.
(The figure man who loves alphabets)