𝐓𝐨𝐦 & 𝐉𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐌𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬

For those of us, I doubt if there would be any, or perhaps some few who may not be familiar with the cartoon characters, 𝗧𝗼𝗺 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗝𝗲𝗿𝗿𝘆, and their somewhat shenanigans in relating with one another. They are so close, yet can also be so far away from each other. They can barely live alone from each other, yet they often create toxicity when together.

Truth be told, there is something similar to many marriages, especially in the hyper-connected world we now live in, where we search endlessly for peaceful coexistence.

Situations are further compounded by so many yet extremely conflicting online marriage counsellors each dishing out their ‘best’ formulae for a successful marriage. While some appear genuine and are drawn from lived experiences, others are so ridiculous that I struggle to find an immediate adjective to describe them.

𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐛𝐞 𝐚 𝐜𝐚𝐭-𝐚𝐧𝐝-𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩?

No doubt that marriage is expected to be the coming together of two individuals who are knowledgeable enough to know that trading off personal egos and narrow-mindedness is the minimum requirement for a successful voyage in the dark tunnel that marriage can be.

𝐇𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥-𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬.

Let me share, before proceeding, two parallel experiences with two sets of couples within a space of about three months. Both experiences are as intriguing as they can be, even if with different trajectories. Even then, both are facing challenges that the basic knowledge mentioned above could have served as the needed compass to navigate the pathways to peaceful coexistence.

In the first experience, I asked the question: “Are you guys Tom & Jerry?”

They both giggled in affirmation to my question.

My younger person would have said, “Shey ẹ̀yin people yìí serious sha”? (Are you people even serious at all?), but I refrained from myself. They then went on to narrate how at this moment, they are the best of friends, and the next moment, they are almost like sworn enemies. Then, within a short space of time, it is like a ‘where are you now’ moment. An oscillating kind of engaging with one another. Yes, they love each other, but they lack the emotional intelligence to understand, let alone acknowledge, when their relationship is spiralling downward.
After engaging with them for a while, it is clear that the relationship was built on genuine love for one another. However, after a few moments of slackening, they unconsciously started losing the flames in their marriages without realizing it in time.

𝐈 𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐟𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫, ‘𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐓𝐨𝐦 & 𝐉𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐲?’

They both burst into hysterical laughter.

Was I embarrassed or even surprised?

Honestly, I was neither embarrassed nor surprised.

𝐇𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐈 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥?

So, we eventually think that as they age gracefully together, there should be fewer and fewer Tom & Jerry moments, until they have eliminated them altogether. I agreed with them that it is unnecessary to keep pulling themselves on the avoidable, childish journey that keeps unwinding but leads to no good destinations.

Perhaps it may be necessary, if unavoidable at the initial stage, to experience such moments; however, it is dangerous if they become defining moments in the relationship.

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐧, 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐠𝐨, 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐚𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭.

I adjusted my approach slightly by rephrasing the question.

I asked, “Are you familiar with Tom & Jerry, the cartoon characters?”. They both said they are very familiar with it.

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫, “𝐂𝐚𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐛𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐓𝐨𝐦 & 𝐉𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐲?” 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐍𝐎!

Now, I was shocked!

I then asked them what kind of relationship they maintain.

From their stories, I had to ask them to tell me about how their journey into marriage started. They obliged me. Through the in-depth conversations, it became clear that I started forming the impression that Tom & Jerry moments are heavenly. I earnestly pray that the impression is more of a hallucination than reality. I cannot even begin to express or fathom how they have survived for that long for a ‘home’ that looks like a camp of ‘sworn’ enemies. I would have asked many questions, but I had to respect the purpose of our conversation by not getting sidetracked.

While I thought that the Tom & Jerry moments are not the best to hang on to for a long time, seeing ones that are colder and less eventful created a sense of dread in me.

Honestly, at that moment, the 𝐓𝐨𝐦 & 𝐉𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 was like the devil you know, which may be preferable to the angel you have no idea about.

Have you ever experienced the 𝐓𝐨𝐦 & 𝐉𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 in your marriage? Is it a constant feature or an occasional one?

How often do you get back to normal?

And lastly, what is your definition of normal?

While I think occasional Tom & Jerry moments may not be too harmful, we should be deliberate in not allowing such moments to become defining moments in our marital relationships.

Can you please pause, reflect, and evaluate how many Tom and Jerry moments you’ve had since you said “I do”?

𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬, 𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞?

I welcome your thoughts and experiences on this matter.

©TheVillageBoy.
(The figure man who loves alphabets)