𝐁𝐞𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐁𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐞: 𝐑𝐞𝐛𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭-𝐂𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩

𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐃𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐦𝐦𝐚 𝐀𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬, 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞 (𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐑𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧)

Please permit me to wear my Scholar-Practitioner cap one final time.

There is something unsettling about discovering that the people for whom you made your greatest sacrifices might also carry wounds from the relationship you believed you were nurturing.

In my first reflection, Parenting Dilemma Across Generations, I explored the tensions between what parents inherited, what they improved, and what their children still found inadequate. The second, We Gave Them Everything, But Did We Hear Them?, examined the difference between parental intentions and children’s emotional experiences.

Both reflections emerged from a family conversation during my birthday devotion. My children spoke about emotional disconnection. I defended the sacrifices of our generation. We disagreed, and I requested an adjournment.

𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐝𝐣𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐨𝐥𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.

Having examined the dilemma and its emotional consequences, I must now confront the more difficult question:

If both generations have legitimate grievances, who should take the first step toward reconciliation?
𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐑𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐁𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐦

Parents want their sacrifices acknowledged. Children want their experiences validated.
Parents remember the school fees, sleepless nights, and opportunities surrendered. Children remember the conversations that never happened, the emotions dismissed, and the expectations they struggled to meet.

Two people can hold accurate accounts of the same house. One remembers the roof that was kept over every head. Another remembers the silence at the dinner table beneath it. Neither is lying. Neither is inventing. And neither account was ever asked for, because each was certain the other already knew.

Both memories might be accurate.

Yet family disagreements often become contests over whose account deserves greater recognition. We defend our intentions while others describe their experiences. We explain what we sacrificed while they explain what they missed. Somewhere in the process, the relationship becomes secondary to the argument.

𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐭𝐨𝐝𝐚𝐲.

Perhaps reconciliation begins when both generations stop treating understanding as an admission of defeat.

𝐒𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐈𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐎𝐰𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩

Permit me to address my generation first.

We gave our children opportunities many of us never had. We endured hardship, gave up personal comforts, and invested heavily in their future. These sacrifices deserve recognition.
But parental sacrifice should not become a permanent claim upon a child’s independence.

A child might honour a parent while choosing a different profession, spouse, or interpretation of family traditions.

Disagreement is not automatically disrespect. Independence is not necessarily rejection. And gratitude does not require surrendering personal identity.

This distinction is especially important in African families, where individual decisions often carry communal expectations. Our cultural emphasis on family responsibility remains valuable. However, responsibility should not undermine the legitimate autonomy of adult children.

Perhaps one of the most difficult transitions in parenting is learning when to stop directing and start advising.

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐁𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐚 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐕𝐞𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐭

Now, to the younger generation.

Your experiences matter. Emotional wounds deserve acknowledgment, and harmful parenting practices should never be excused simply because they were culturally accepted.

But we should also distinguish imperfect parenting from deliberate indifference. Some parents operated with limited emotional knowledge. Others struggled to provide what they themselves never received.

Understanding these circumstances does not erase harmful consequences. It provides context.
When parents demonstrate sincere accountability and meaningful change, adult children may find room to reconsider earlier judgments. However, forgiveness should never be compelled, and reconciliation should never come at the expense of personal safety.

Parents should not demand that children forget. Children should not be pressured into forgiving. Both should recognize genuine change when it occurs.

𝐀𝐜𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐁𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐞

Here lies another dilemma.

Parents want appreciation. Children want apologies. Both might be justified.

But accountability requires more than defending one’s intentions. A parent who says, “Everything I did was for your good,” might be explaining an intention without acknowledging an injury.

A more constructive response might be:
A parent: “I believed I was doing what was best for you, but I now understand that some of my actions hurt you. I am sorry.”

That admission does not diminish parental sacrifice. It demonstrates maturity.

The younger generation carries a parallel task. An adult child might say:

An adult child: “I need you to understand what that period was like for me. I am not trying to punish you for it. I am telling you because I want us to be close, and I would rather be honest with you than be careful around you.”

Neither statement settles the past. Together they make a conversation possible.

However, mutual accountability does not imply equal responsibility for childhood experiences. Parents possessed greater authority and therefore carried greater obligations. We must distinguish accountability for the past from responsibility for rebuilding the present. And we must remember that forgiveness, reconciliation, and restored trust are different processes.

𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭, 𝐁𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐂𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞

In many Nigerian households, respect was traditionally shown through obedience and silence. Questioning parental decisions sometimes drew accusations of disrespect.

Yet silence is not always understanding, and compliance is not necessarily agreement.

Our Yoruba concept of ọmọlúàbí emphasizes character, responsibility, and proper conduct. These values should apply to parents and children alike. An elder’s age does not relieve the obligation to act with dignity. A younger person’s independence does not relieve the responsibility to communicate respectfully.

Similarly, boundaries should not automatically signal rejection. Adult children deserve privacy and autonomy, and parents deserve respectful communication. Healthy boundaries create the conditions for meaningful relationships. They should not become tools of manipulation or punishment.

The goal is respect without fear, independence without contempt, and connection without control.

𝐅𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐏𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐢𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐑𝐞𝐛𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩

Drawing from these reflections, I propose five practical principles.

𝟏.  𝐀𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐥𝐞𝐝𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞.  Every generation receives parenting traditions containing strengths and weaknesses. Preserve what works. Correct what harms.

𝟐.  𝐒𝐞𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐭. Parents should examine how their actions affected their children. Children should consider parental circumstances without being required to excuse harmful conduct.

𝟑.  𝐑𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐮𝐥𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐨𝐛𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞. As children mature, parental authority should increasingly accommodate explanation, participation, and independent judgment.

𝟒.  𝐏𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧.  Parents should acknowledge mistakes without treating criticism as ingratitude. Adult children should recognize sincere efforts at improvement without surrendering reasonable boundaries.

𝟓.  𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐞. Progress is measured by the quality of the relationship, not by the volume of the sacrifice. Are both generations willing to hear what they would rather not hear, acknowledge mistakes, and change?

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒔𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒊𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒂 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒇𝒆𝒄𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒎𝒖𝒍𝒂. 𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒚 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒂 𝒑𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒍 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒑𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒈𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒑𝒐𝒍𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐈 𝐒𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐎𝐰𝐞 𝐌𝐲 𝐂𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐧

I began this trilogy with a family discussion that ended without agreement. I have returned to that encounter repeatedly. And I recognize something uncomfortable.

It is possible to write persuasively about listening while remaining defensive when personally confronted. The scholar might explain the dilemma. The practitioner might propose a framework. But the father must still sit down and listen.

I cannot claim these reflections have resolved our disagreements. My children’s experiences remain theirs to explain.

I should ask fewer questions about what we did right and more about what they experienced. And when they answer, I should resist the temptation to explain immediately. Not because my perspective has become irrelevant, but because listening is not surrender. It is respect.

𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐓𝐫𝐢𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐲 𝐋𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐌𝐞

I began by defending a generation that believed it had given its children more than it had received. I then examined whether those sacrifices adequately addressed their emotional needs. I end by recognizing that neither sacrifice nor blame provides a sufficient foundation for rebuilding relationships.

Sacrifice deserves appreciation. Pain deserves acknowledgment. Mistakes deserve accountability. Boundaries deserve respect. And reconciliation, where possible and safe, requires continuing effort.

I still believe our generation moved the needle. I also believe our children have legitimate reasons to ask us to move it further. And I hope they recognize that the generation following them will eventually make similar demands.

No generation possesses a monopoly on wisdom. No generation escapes the limitations of its circumstances. And no generation should mistake improvement for perfection.

Perhaps the ultimate achievement of parenting is not raising children who never question us, but nurturing relationships in which they remain willing to speak with us, even when they disagree.

𝐀 𝐅𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐐𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐀𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

𝐓𝐨 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬: What might your children say about their upbringing if they were free to speak without fear of disappointing you?

𝐓𝐨 𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐧: If your parents acknowledged their mistakes and demonstrated genuine change, what would rebuilding the relationship require of you?

𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬: Are we more committed to proving what happened yesterday or to improving what becomes possible tomorrow?

© TheVillageBoy
(𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒈𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒏 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒑𝒉𝒂𝒃𝒆𝒕𝒔)