𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭: 𝐓𝐰𝐨 𝐒𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐂𝐨𝐢𝐧?

We tend to use the words “courtesy” and “respect” as if they’re one and the same. We assume a courteous person is also respectful. We expect the two to go together. They are in fact very different. Courtesy is essentially a mode of behavior: politeness, good manners, and consideration in your speech and actions. Respect is a mode of regard; it’s recognizing another person’s worth, dignity, boundaries, or authority. Courtesy is often the outward expression of respect; respect is often the inner source which gives courtesy substance. The link isn’t automatic, and people can learn courtesy as a technique, so they can perform it without any real regard.

𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧: 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐯𝐞 𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐮𝐩 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐮𝐩𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐜𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐝𝐢𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐜𝐲. 𝐈𝐭’𝐬 𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠.

You can see it in how you speak, in your greetings, in listening without interrupting, in using ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, in being on time, in giving people space, and in observing protocol. A courteous individual makes the social interaction go smoothly. Smoothness, however, is not the same as regard.

𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐮𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧. 𝐓𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐚𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐫𝐝; 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝, 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞, 𝐨𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐞, 𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬, 𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐡𝐮𝐦𝐚𝐧. 𝐈𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐪𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧’𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭.

A respectful person may not always get the words right, but they will never treat another person as a means to an end. They will not trample on boundaries, waste someone’s time, or dismiss someone’s concerns.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐚𝐩 𝐢𝐬 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲.

𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐬𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐫𝐝. Consider the customer service voice that is perfectly polite yet completely dismissive; the colleague who says “I hear you” while doing exactly what they meant to do; the diplomatic phrase that acknowledges the relationship and does nothing to engender respect. Courtesy without respect is a form of social performance. It looks the part, but it leaves the other person absolutely invisible.

𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐬 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐚𝐥𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧. Some people are just plain blunt, direct, and uncomfortable with the rituals of courtesy. They won’t cross your boundaries, waste your time, or treat you as less than human. A mentor who gives you straight feedback because they take you seriously; a colleague who will disagree with you openly and fairly; a friend who will tell you the truth without all the ribbon and frills. That can be jarring, but it’s not disrespectful. In fact, it can show real respect for you and your ability to handle honesty.

I learned that distinction from a rather unpleasant senior colleague some years ago. He wasn’t exactly a courteous individual. “Please” and “thank you” were rare in his vocabulary. His emails were three words long. He would interrupt in meetings. Yet he was absolutely respectful. He never took credit for anyone else’s work. He was very protective of his team’s boundaries. He listened when it mattered, even if he didn’t smile while he did. For a long time, I thought his lack of courtesy meant he didn’t respect me. It took me a long time to realize his gruffness wasn’t a lack of regard. It was just a different form of regard. 𝐈𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐝, 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐟𝐮𝐥.

This distinction matters across cultures, as it’s so easily misunderstood. In some situations, elaborate courtesy is the very essence of respect. In others, the opposite holds, and directness is the mark of respect, while an overabundance of courtesy can come across as remote or even patronizing. Someone who is courteous in one culture may appear stiff and insincere in another. Someone who is in fact very respectful may be completely out of touch with the local code of courtesy and have no intention of being so. The mature response is not to insist that everyone behave the same way with regard to courtesy, but to ask whether respect is there beneath the surface.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

Respect, in itself, is not a single thing. We have a basic level of respect to extend to every human being (recognition of their dignity and boundaries), but we may well have a higher level of respect for those who have earned it through their behavior, wisdom, or office. That distinction accounts for most of the conflict we have about courtesy. When we feel disrespected, the right question to ask is whether the other person has failed the baseline or simply not performed the ritual.

That question isn’t in any way idle, particularly at this moment when we talk so freely about mental health and emotional well-being. So let’s be absolutely clear: how do we deal with people who get on our nerves? Do we have to put up with them?

𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐥𝐲, 𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐢𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬. 𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐲𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐟𝐮𝐥, 𝐨𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦 𝐚 𝐛𝐢𝐭 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐮𝐬? They are not the same thing, yet they can feel identical in the moment. The colleague who is brief with you may be dismissing you; he may also be treating you as someone who doesn’t need the padding. The person who is extremely polite may be showing you respect; she may also be managing you.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐚 𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝. 𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐞 𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐲 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐝𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐦𝐞𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐦 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐢𝐝 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭? 𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞? You can be extremely polite to someone you’ve already decided to write off. It is entirely possible to be hurt by directness because it threatens a position you’re enjoying. Courtesy is easier to demand because you can measure it. You can point to the missing ‘please’, the unreturned greeting, the sentence that was cut off. Respect is much harder to quantify and much harder to demand without, in effect, becoming what you’re complaining about.

We’re not talking about carte blanche to be rude. It’s a change in what we police. The baseline is clear: no one is to breach your boundaries, waste your time, or treat you as less than human, however unrefined or slick their approach. Beyond that baseline, however, you can judge the surface. The substance is what matters.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫

𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐲 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞. 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐬𝐡. 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐢𝐦 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐰𝐨, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫. 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭. 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐲 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐚 𝐡𝐮𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞.

So the real question isn’t whether you’re generally courteous and respectful. It’s which of those two attributes you’ve demanded of others and which you’ve withheld.

𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝/𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐟𝐮𝐥?

Let us know how you plan to address that discrepancy.

What are your thoughts?

𝐏𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐬.

© TheVillageBoy
𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒈𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒏 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒑𝒉𝒂𝒃𝒆𝒕𝒔